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Short Jokes and One Liners

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

Ad seen in the The New York Times:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

If Men Were In Charge of Planning Weddings, June Weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the hoose exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did
you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...

The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.

Did you hear about the Norwegian who liked his wife so much, he considered telling her?

What's the difference between a vision and a sight?
When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight.

My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.
"What is this for?"
"For you headache, dear."
"But I don't have a headache."
"Good."

Husband <nuzzling>: "Want to get a little more . . comfortable?"
Wife: "hey, not tonight, cause I've got an appointment tomorrow with my gyno and I want to be 'fresh,' okay?"
Husband: "Okay, I understand. Uh, when's your next dentist appointment?"

The difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife?

The prostitute says "That'll be $100."
The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!"
The wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Her husband has been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."

An architect, an artist and a programmer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
Architect: "I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship."
Artist: "I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery we share."
Programmer: "I prefer to have both."
"Both?"
Programmer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."